Facing Opposition

OPPOSITION: 1. The action of opposing, resisting or combating. 

I am unhappy with the current happenings in my life. Frustrated. Dissatisfied on the deepest level. At odds with everything, I feel as though things have come to a standstill.  I get so angry anymore. No matter what I do, what I try, it all feels so wrong.

You don’t belong here.” “You aren’t meant to do this.” “This is not who you are.” My heart constantly whispers. These words just echo in my mind, working to drive me mad.

I am so angry.

But that is a topic for another day. Today, we are here to talk about opposition. We often refer to this word when someone is against us or in our way. The thing that makes us hold back. That employer in the way of your dream job, unwilling to call or even glance at your application. That family member disgracing your life decisions because they “always knew you weren’t fit to find your own way“.

Currently, I am working hard to unfold the very things that stand in my way. I ask myself, “What are my oppositions?” It feels so important, with the alarms ringing in my ears to dig deep and discover that which prevents me from moving forward. Where did this begin? Where is it stemming from? Who is doing this to me?

So, I reflect. After months of being mistreated by my previous employer, I quit. I didn’t have a replacement but I knew without a doubt that I could not handle to stay in that pit of snakes any longer. After my ups and downs of last month and being unemployed, I grew angry. The truth is that I had really wanted to work there and still desire to do so. But they ruined it for me. Over and over I think, They ruined everything for me. I could then say, here, this is an opposition. But is it really? They did not force me to leave. I chose to leave. I could have stayed. Fought more. But I had honestly grown tired and ran out of fight. They no longer deserved my time and I recognized that, packed my things and was on my way.

In the past month, I have felt everything has been against me. Why? Why does it need to be this difficult for me to achieve? I have learned in this time more of who I am, what I have been missing. I realized that now was the time I wanted to make my life happen EXACTLY the way I want. Be who I deserve to be.

What are my oppositions?

Money? Yeah that has been tight and a great source of stress. Work? I don’t enjoy the job I just started even though it is not too bad. I just don’t feel any passion for it. What is in my way? Are there people really standing in my way? Circumstances stopping me from getting to where I want to be? That answer is simply NO. And if someone were to oppose me, I would knock them down without hesitation.

The only thing in my way is my own self.  It is an internal fight. Doubting and degrading my capability. Part of it is fear. But why should I feel fear about doing the things that I love?

That is a reality I need to wake up to. That no matter what stands in my way, I am the only one who can truly stop me from doing what I know is right. I put up the barriers. I shut the gates. I take no action. I am the opposition.

But just the same, I am the key.

I am the gatekeeper. I am as strong as I am wise. I am my own creator.

And these are the words I wish everyone lived by. When things are hard. Impossible. You can make it happen. You can create your way. Stop being your opposition.

Be as beautiful, dynamic and great as you know deep down you really are.

Ask yourself, what is holding you back? That answer will always be: You.

A Refusal To Stay Still (even though I am ill as heck)

Here I am, sick as a dog for the first time in a long time, sitting in front of my computer and realizing how MUCH of a pain in the ass I am.

In this moment, I guess I am sort of at the bottom in a lot of ways. After months of planning and attempts at pushing myself towards the things I want to do in life, I have accomplished nothing. I hate myself for my lack of motivation so deeply.

But, it is only now:

+When I am ridiculously sick, my voice and body functions taken away,

+When I am going to be without a job in a week, with no replacement in sight,

+At the point where my financial burdens are closing in on me,

That I start to realize how fucking ridiculous I have been with putting things off constantly. “I will do it at the start of this month” or “Oh, I guess it can wait until next week” and here we are, farther down the road with very little to show for it.

Honestly, this last year was really rocky. I struggled emotionally and physically. I over worked myself, got very little sleep, and was constantly abused by my work place. I had the worst bout of deep depression that I have ever had that spawned a length of insomnia that drove me MAD. I worked hard to deal with those personal issues, still continued to be abused by my work place and trying to manage a healthy relationship at the same time. At some point my senses came ’round and I started figuring out the path I want to set for my life. These plans became realistic, inspiring, and beautiful (EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED) but STILL, I lacked the motivation to get myself in gear.

Everything turned in to a huge mess last week when I was finally pushed to turn in my two weeks to free myself from this hell of a job and then BAM! SICKNESS! And if there is one thing above ANYTHING that will turn me in to a blubbering child, it is being sick. It hit me so fast! These past couple of days I have barely been able to move or speak, and IT IS SO FRUSTRATING! GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS MORTAL PRISON IS SO WEAK!!!!

During this time, when I physically and mentally am not capable of any form of action, anger has seeped in to my body. But the only person I am angry with is myself. How can I have allowed myself to be so stagnant when during those times I was perfectly capable of creating my way to happiness and improvement. As I age, will I always have that opportunity? Will I physically be capable in the future? Mentally capable? Is it right for me to waste away my time? Allowing myself to be unhappy, letting that seep into every part of my life? Allowing my body to become so weak and my mind depressed? I let myself lose sleep, lose health and lose will-power by every day of non-action. That is just pathetic. That is NOT who I want myself to be.

I always try to treat myself kindly and like to remind others of that too. Yet, there is a time to BUCK THE FUCK UP and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. A little harsh but quite frankly, I need it. I am sick. I am stressed. I have no idea if I am going to be able to pay my rent next month. That DOES NOT mean I should become still. I am very ill, yes, but I will get better. I may struggle financially for a little while but if every single day I work hard to find a job, that struggle will lessen. There is a chance that once again I will dislike my job or get abused by my workplace. But if I actually put in 100% of my effort and time towards the plans to create my own career, the length of time that I have to endure that crap gets shorter.

WHY? WHY WOULD I NOT WANT THAT?

In the end, I guess this is that little kick in the arse I needed to wake up. A little bit of panic mode. Okay, maybe more than a little. I just want to be happy and I have to remind myself that doing the things I love and trying to make a career out of it MAKES ME HAPPY. The only thing standing in the way is myself when I should not be standing at all.

Now it is time to take some more medicine and try to warble words at my boyfriend to get him to cuddle me.

Excuse me.

-Stephany