A Refusal To Stay Still (even though I am ill as heck)

Here I am, sick as a dog for the first time in a long time, sitting in front of my computer and realizing how MUCH of a pain in the ass I am.

In this moment, I guess I am sort of at the bottom in a lot of ways. After months of planning and attempts at pushing myself towards the things I want to do in life, I have accomplished nothing. I hate myself for my lack of motivation so deeply.

But, it is only now:

+When I am ridiculously sick, my voice and body functions taken away,

+When I am going to be without a job in a week, with no replacement in sight,

+At the point where my financial burdens are closing in on me,

That I start to realize how fucking ridiculous I have been with putting things off constantly. “I will do it at the start of this month” or “Oh, I guess it can wait until next week” and here we are, farther down the road with very little to show for it.

Honestly, this last year was really rocky. I struggled emotionally and physically. I over worked myself, got very little sleep, and was constantly abused by my work place. I had the worst bout of deep depression that I have ever had that spawned a length of insomnia that drove me MAD. I worked hard to deal with those personal issues, still continued to be abused by my work place and trying to manage a healthy relationship at the same time. At some point my senses came ’round and I started figuring out the path I want to set for my life. These plans became realistic, inspiring, and beautiful (EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER WANTED) but STILL, I lacked the motivation to get myself in gear.

Everything turned in to a huge mess last week when I was finally pushed to turn in my two weeks to free myself from this hell of a job and then BAM! SICKNESS! And if there is one thing above ANYTHING that will turn me in to a blubbering child, it is being sick. It hit me so fast! These past couple of days I have barely been able to move or speak, and IT IS SO FRUSTRATING! GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS MORTAL PRISON IS SO WEAK!!!!

During this time, when I physically and mentally am not capable of any form of action, anger has seeped in to my body. But the only person I am angry with is myself. How can I have allowed myself to be so stagnant when during those times I was perfectly capable of creating my way to happiness and improvement. As I age, will I always have that opportunity? Will I physically be capable in the future? Mentally capable? Is it right for me to waste away my time? Allowing myself to be unhappy, letting that seep into every part of my life? Allowing my body to become so weak and my mind depressed? I let myself lose sleep, lose health and lose will-power by every day of non-action. That is just pathetic. That is NOT who I want myself to be.

I always try to treat myself kindly and like to remind others of that too. Yet, there is a time to BUCK THE FUCK UP and MAKE SHIT HAPPEN. A little harsh but quite frankly, I need it. I am sick. I am stressed. I have no idea if I am going to be able to pay my rent next month. That DOES NOT mean I should become still. I am very ill, yes, but I will get better. I may struggle financially for a little while but if every single day I work hard to find a job, that struggle will lessen. There is a chance that once again I will dislike my job or get abused by my workplace. But if I actually put in 100% of my effort and time towards the plans to create my own career, the length of time that I have to endure that crap gets shorter.

WHY? WHY WOULD I NOT WANT THAT?

In the end, I guess this is that little kick in the arse I needed to wake up. A little bit of panic mode. Okay, maybe more than a little. I just want to be happy and I have to remind myself that doing the things I love and trying to make a career out of it MAKES ME HAPPY. The only thing standing in the way is myself when I should not be standing at all.

Now it is time to take some more medicine and try to warble words at my boyfriend to get him to cuddle me.

Excuse me.

-Stephany

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