As you can probably guess from my last post, the past few weeks I have been stuck in this spiral of extreme distaste for most of the things around me. I feel like I have been waiting a century for things to happen. I am angry. I am tired of being patient.
I feel hateful. Trapped. Disconnected.
Everyday I walk past this incomplete, untouched puzzle on my floor, too unmotivated to sit down and put some work in to it. But it bothers me. I think about it at work, at night, just envisioning it’s loneliness all because I can’t get myself to SIT DOWN AND WORK ON IT. It bothers me so much I contemplate throwing it away. I just want it to stop getting to me and it is better that I erase it from my life.
This has been happening over and over in my mind until recently, when I finally thought,”Stephany…..It is just a fucking puzzle. Stop pushing your feelings concerning your own self and doubts ONTO A PUZZLE. Just invite a friend over to work on the damned thing and GET OVER IT.” Yup. I often find enlightenment this way.
But it is true. These thoughts I have been having, they are real, valid, and worthy of attention. But in the end….I know it is not about the puzzle. It is one hundred percent about me, myself and I. My motivation has tanked GREATLY in the past few months. I struggle to get myself to sit down and create. Depression has been plaguing me constantly, ripping away sleep, making me want to rip off my skin. I have started to have thoughts as of late that terrify me. And why? For what purpose. The reality is something is not right in my life. Something needs to be done. When I thought this, I became overwhelmed. How? Where do I even start? What could possibly make anything better? I am unhappy. Sadness constantly makes itself at home in my body. I hate my job. I hate this state I live in. The town I live in. The community of people I have to be around every day who are so disrespectful and ignorant and SO PRIVILEGED. I hate having loan debt. Credit Card debt. Feeling indebted to those around me. Being unable to accomplish the things I want and being able to live financially comfortable without having to answer to the man and having overdraft fees and wishing I had the money to get my car fixed, for a lavender plant, for a laptop of my own, to see my sister whom I miss so much it hurts and- Whoa WHOA. Okay. Stop. Calm down. Chill the fuck out, love. Don’t do that to yourself.
A constant spiral. What I needed to do was stop focusing on things I can’t help at the moment and focus in on the present.
First things first: I hate my job? Then I can get a new job! I have lived a lot of my life working my ass off and feeling like I had to prove myself. I had to be perfect at work. I had to do this. Had to do that. I come from very little so I can’t let them see me as someone who is incapable. Here is the thing, I am capable. I know it. But there is this anxiety that constantly lays under my ribs saying “shit. shit oh shit oh shit what are you doing? Do it right! Do something!” But that just needs to stop. I have worn myself down. I am at that point of exhaustion and quite fucking frankly I deserve to feel good. I got this job because I wanted to challenge myself and see if I would like it. Well obviously I don’t so why do I have to stay unhappy? Because I feel bad for leaving after only having been there 3 months? Because I like the management and most of my coworkers? Stop it. Just stop. That is silly. Even if it means taking a little pay cut, and making the management feel sad, I know I need something that keeps me busy and keeps me smiling.
LESSON LEARNED: A job is not worth the sacrifice of your happiness. Know when to say no. If it gives you anxiety, if you can’t stop thinking about it and stressing about it after work, step away. Don’t let a job make you act like someone you aren’t. And who am I not? A FURNITURE SALES ASSOCIATE WHO DOES NOT HAVE A PASSION FOR FURNITURE, AND WHO HAS TO SUCK UP AND BE FRIENDLY WITH CUSTOMERS WHO ARE RUDE AND A COMMUNITY I HATE. Do you know how hard it is to keep my mouth shut at times?!
Secondly: I can’t get myself to feel motivated. I feel so overwhelmed by my daily work stress and depression that I don’t even know where to start at times. I hate that things can’t happen like POOF! MAGIC! I am suddenly making at least a part-time living on my own passions and work. But what I hate more is how hard and realistic I am with myself most of the time. I think things like This is never taking you anywhere. Everything you come up with is just stupid. Soooo healthy. I constantly think about the reality of money and time that I don’t have and BAM! I hit a wall in motivation. I think so much about these things that I constantly have to remind myself that I want to do this stuff because it makes me happy! Happiness has always been the single most important thing in my life because I deserve to feel happy!
LESSON LEARNED: What is most important now is letting yourself feel good by creating things you have always dreamed of. Yeah, you would like it to be a career but that is going to be a long process nonetheless and life is long itself so enjoy every moment of it. Commit the time it takes to create. Keep office hours. Keep a checklist. A monthly calendar. Hold yourself accountable to try everyday.
Third of all: I don’t like where I live. I hate this town. I feel like I am going to be stuck here forever. But that is the thing. I chose to stay here longer for a good reason. Yeah, it is not the greatest place. I have worked in this town for 3 years too long. The people here are not my cup of tea. I have had some really bad experiences in multiple jobs in this single, stupid town. But do I have to interact with anyone here? No. Do I have to work here. NO. Why am I here? Because I chose to be here for a particular reason. So, I need to pay attention to that particular reason. I need to stop being involved with the stuff I know I dislike and that has a negative impact on me.
LESSON LEARNED: IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY TO MY OWN SELF TO CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE AROUND ME THAT CULTIVATES HAPPINESS AND GROWTH. NOW REPEAT THAT SHIT. I am sorry. I didn’t quite hear you. SAY IT LOUDER! RAWR!!!!!!! My home is meant to be my sanctuary and I should only keep people around me that are worthy of my time. For now, I am here. But I know, that no matter what, I will ultimately choose to live in a place where I fit in. It will happen. I will be where I need to be.
Lasty: I have to recognize how seriously bad my depression is getting in the past year. I need to do something about it. Not just let it happen and wait for it to pass. I need to try new things. Learn what does work or what doesn’t work because I know that this IS a matter of life or death. I think for anyone who has depression it is important to create solid habits of self care, whether you are on medication or not. I am not. I need to work even harder at making good habits. Part of the problem is I need to exercise more to create more healthful sleep and better energy flow in my body. Next I need a job that keeps me busy and focused but not stressed. There is so much that needs to go in to it but I HAVE to put in the time.
LESSON LEARNED: You are worth the time it takes to make yourself happy. Go outside. Stretch your body. Sleep well. Eat well. Every little thing counts and as I said earlier, nothing is worth the sacrifice of your happiness. You are a whole person. Your problems are real. Give them the love and care they deserve.
That, my friends, concludes a list of lessons that I want not only to be helpful for me but also for you. I know I am not the only one out there who has these same issues. All pain is equal. I have been so upset and angry these past couple of months and I have worked so hard at things that don’t deserve my time in the past few years. I am tired. Things really built up overtime and I can say, that I wasn’t just idly letting it happen. I think I needed to take all of these feelings and dissect them. Understand the real source of my upset, anxiety and frustration. Even when I did find the source, my feelings did not immediately go away. They needed my constant time and attention to work them away without hurting me further. And then one day, very recently, that bubble of feelings just popped. Woosh! But I wasn’t left feeling like I was dumb for ever feeling the way I did. Because those feelings are real.
I don’t want to pretend that I will just get over it anymore. I know I don’t work that way. It only hurts me in the end to strong arm myself into ignorance. I think these past few years have broken me away from the honest person I am.
I partially write this post because I wanted to get some frustrations out of my head.
But I mostly wanted to write this post because I want people to feel that they are worth the time. Don’t feel stupid. Don’t feel invalid. Allow yourself to feel. Being able to feel is an amazing thing. Be grateful that you can feel that deeply. Once you know how you feel, don’t wait for others to fix it for you. You are capable. You are strong. There are always options. No matter the problem, you don’t have to adhere to social constructs. You are not required to put on a face for anyone, explain yourself or hide yourself.
Just take care of you.